Audio Transcript
Cemeteries are unique places. They’re somber and normally quiet acres quarantined from the bustle of the city. For many, these are awkwardly uncomfortable places. Others are drawn to make regular pilgrimages. And for those who do visit cemeteries, it raises the question over what we’re seeking to accomplish in a grave visit. The question is from Dave.
“Dear Pastor John, thank you for this podcast,” he writes. “I appreciate your thoughtful answers to hard questions. I’m wondering what Christians should do and feel and think at a cemetery. I see some Christians decorating their loved ones’ graves with flowers. Some visit often, even weekly. Some remember fondly; some weep every time they visit over a period of many years. Is there bad theology behind some of these practices? At what point do we become overly maudlin? When does it become ancestor worship? When does it become a wasting of time? The Bible observes extended periods of mourning at death. Also, some graves were clearly marked and remembered for generations. And Solomon said that ‘it is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting’ (Ecclesiastes 7:2). What should Christians accomplish and take away from cemetery visits?”
There are moments in life that signify, in an unusual way, a division between the past and the future: graduation from high school or college, marriage, a new job. That season is over; a new season is beginning.
But it seems to me that apart from our own conversion, probably the event that divides our past and future most decisively is the death of someone we love. That season is over in a way that is more absolute than all the other season endings. And you might say that a cemetery or a memorial stone or a brass marker with a precious name on it is like a large, unavoidable signpost pointing in two directions: your past life with your loved one, and your future life without your loved one.
So, what is a biblical disposition or a biblical attitude as you stand there beside that glaring signpost dividing your life? Or the way Dave asked the question, Are there unbiblical, unhealthy things that you could do at this signpost, this gravestone, and are there biblical and healthy things that you could do in a cemetery? Let me start with mentioning a few unbiblical, unhealthy things you could feel and do in the cemetery, and then end with some biblical, healthy suggestions.
Unhealthy Visits
What would make our visit to the graveside of a loved one unbiblical and unhealthy would be a kind of ongoing need for the deceased person that is not being met by faith in Jesus and is being expressed in unhealthy and Christ-dishonoring ways.
“Few things blow the fog of worldliness away like the loss of a loved one.”
Now, the Bible does clearly say that there is a sense in which members of the body of Christ, and that would include Christian family members, need each other. That’s no dishonor to Christ when we realize that other people are gifts from Christ and are intended to represent Christ to us. In 1 Corinthians 12:21, Paul says, “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you.’” Yes, you do; it’s not right for you to say you don’t need other people that God has designed and put in your life.
But when God, in his providence — which is always wise and just and good and, toward his people, always loving — takes away a member of the body of Christ, a member of the family, God is saying, “You don’t need this person anymore — not in the way you did before. I will be your supply. I will meet every need of yours in Christ Jesus.” So, if our visit to the cemetery is an ongoing expression of “I need you; I can’t live without you,” that’s an expression of distrust in the promises of Christ.
Some examples of what that distrust might look like would be, for example, coming to the cemetery to express anger at God: feeling angry at the all-wise, all-good God is a sinful response to loss. Or you might come to the cemetery to say, “I need you so urgently that I’m going to try to communicate with the dead.” Now, God said to Israel in Deuteronomy 18:10–12, “There shall not be found among you . . . a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord.” It’s a sin to try to set up a communication with the dead.
Or another form that this unfaithful response might take would be coming to the cemetery to do penance for all the ways you can remember that you failed the person who has died. You feel guilty, and you think that perhaps if you show enough sorrow at the graveside, it will make up for the wrongs that you did. And the problem with that is that Christ does not teach us to deal with our failures and our sins that way. He understands our failures and our guilt feelings. And believe me, every one of us at the graveside of someone we loved is going to feel this: we’re going to feel a sense of failure; we’re going to remember all the ways we could have loved so much better — yes, we will. But the solution to that painful problem of guilt is not more hours of penance in the cemetery in the rain, but more trust in the all-sufficiency of the blood of Christ.
So, those are a few of the ways that coming to the cemetery might be unbiblical and unhealthy.
Seven Reasons to Come to the Cemetery
What about healthy ways? I’ll just mention seven points.
1. Come to weep.
There is no question but that losing someone you love is worse than an amputation, and amputations hurt. Bidden or unbidden, the tears flow. It is right that they do so, and the graveside is a most fitting place for those tears.
2. Come to be sobered by your own mortality.
Contemplate your own inevitable death at the cemetery. As the psalmist says, we should get a heart of wisdom by numbering our days (Psalm 90:12). Few things blow the fog of worldliness away like the loss of a loved one, so come to the cemetery and let your loss teach you wisdom for the brief life that remains.
3. Come to rekindle the fires of resurrection hope.
Let the graveside stoke your hope of being with Christ. As you stand beside the grave of the body that will decay, the body that you held perhaps, lift up your eyes to heaven and believe the promise that what is sown in dishonor will be raised in glory (1 Corinthians 15:43).
4. Come to meditate.
Think; ponder: What can I learn from this loss? What would I have done differently? What are the implications of this void in my life for my future? What can I learn about God in Christ and about salvation and the meaning and purpose of life from this painful vantage point? It is a rare and precious moment, and there is so much to learn.
5. Come to express respect and honor.
Was it not a high privilege to have been their friend or spouse, or the admirer from a distance of this deceased person? I want to pay tribute to their value in my life. I owe them so much. By my presence here I am saying, “I honor them. I respect them. I pay tribute to them and to the God who gave me the privilege of knowing them.”
6. Come to give thanks.
It is virtually inevitable that we will feel thankfulness welling up in our hearts to those we loved and lost. We would like them to know this, but we know that trying to communicate directly with the dead is a sin. And so, all of our thanks is offered up to God, and he would not begrudge us the prayerful suggestion that he inform our redeemed loved one how we feel. But mainly we are overflowing with thankfulness to God for their life, and what it meant for us and still means to us, and what a great place to say it and feel it.
7. Come to the cemetery to be inspired.
Be made hopeful by the promises of God, that he will be with you from this day on. He will help us, he will strengthen us, he will uphold us with the right hand of his righteousness (Isaiah 41:10). He will sanctify to us all our sorrow. He will make us useful in the days to come for the good of others and for his glory and for our own joy.
FAQs
Cemeteries are designed to be visited! If your loved one is buried (or interred in a mausoleum or columbarium niche) in a local cemetery, you'll want to stop by and visit their grave site. You'll always be welcome!
What does the Bible say about talking to the dead at the grave? ›
God's Word Forbids the Practice of Talking to the Dead
Consider Leviticus 20:5-7, the Law of God opposed such practices and clearly warned the people to pursue holiness.
Is it healthy to visit a grave? ›
At first, the tradition may be sad, but over time, visiting the grave becomes a joyful and peace-filled ritual that brings comfort and keeps a loved one's memory alive and strong.
What does the Bible say about not attending a funeral? ›
For this is what the LORD says: "Do not enter a house where there is a funeral meal; do not go to mourn or show sympathy, because I have withdrawn my blessing, my love and my pity from this people," declares the LORD.
How do you respectfully visit a graveyard? ›
Drive slowly and obey any traffic signs posted in the cemetery. Be careful to avoid any people since they might be upset and not paying complete attention to where they are going. Be respectful. Keep the volume of voices down, and don't use offensive language.
Is it OK to walk around a cemetery? ›
Is it disrespectful to walk on graves? Yes, it is disrespectful. Always walk between the headstones and avoid standing on top of a gravesite. Be considerate of other mourners.
What does the Bible say about seeing loved ones in heaven? ›
The reunion of believing loved ones
When Paul writes to believers who grieve the loss of a loved one, he offers them this comfort: “We who are still alive will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air” (1 Thessalonians 4:17, emphasis mine).
What does the Bible say about crying for the dead? ›
Matthew 5:4
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." The Good News: God will never abandon us during our times of grief.
Why does the Bible say not to touch the dead? ›
Whoever touches the dead body of anyone and fails to purify himself defiles the LORD's tabernacle. That person must be cut off from Israel. Because the water of cleansing has not been sprinkled on him, he is unclean; his uncleanness remains on him.
Do cemeteries get blessed? ›
A bishop or his designee has the honor to impart a blessing on a new cemetery.
Cemeteries have always been a prime location to attune our thoughts to the realities of life and death. Many people feel a closer connection to God, to their departed loved ones, or to the spirits of the dead when visiting a cemetery.
How long can a body stay in a grave? ›
If the ground is light, dry soil, decomposition is quicker. Generally speaking, a body takes 10 or 15 years to decompose to a skeleton. Some of the old Victorian graves hold families of up to eight people. As those coffins decompose, the remains will gradually sink to the bottom of the grave and merge.
Does it say in the Bible not to cremate? ›
According to most Biblical study websites, there is no explicit scriptural command for or against cremation. There are no passages that forbid cremation, according to most Biblical scholars.
Is it selfish not to go to a funeral? ›
It is not a selfish act to request not to have a funeral after you pass away. There are many reasons why you may not want to have a funeral and any of them are valid. You deserve to have any send-off that you wish for, so don't be afraid to share your last wishes with your family openly and honestly.
Is it a sin to not have a funeral? ›
Is it wrong not to have a funeral? A common worry is that choosing not to have a funeral is wrong or immoral. Sometimes this is due to what's deemed as socially acceptable or what's expected in your culture. However, it is a personal decision, and you should do what feels right for you.
Is it rude not to go to graveside service? ›
As with a funeral, if a graveside service is open to the public and you want to attend, you should. If the service is limited to family only, your should respect the family's wishes and not attend.
Is it rude to not visit a grave? ›
No. You can send your thoughts to your loved ones no matter where you are. They're not there at the grave site. Their physical remains are there, but there spirit/consciousness has moved on.
What prayer to say when visiting a cemetery? ›
Pray together: Father in heaven, as we stand before the resting place of our beloved (name of person), we remember the gift they were and continue to be to each of us here present. We thank you for their life, the love they shared with us and we pray that they are with you now, enjoying the fullness of eternal life.
What are the benefits of walking in a cemetery? ›
There are many practical benefits to graveyard walks: exercise, fresh air, seeing novel architecture and visiting historical landmarks.
Is it OK to live next to a cemetery? ›
Areas around cemeteries are quiet and peaceful.
Especially if you're fed up with the normal hustle and bustle or rowdy neighbors and their noisy activities, this is where you can find the peace and tranquility you're looking for.
It can also attract other wild animals and predators. If you do leave food on the grave, make sure that the food is not wrapped up in plastic or is in the original wrapping. This can cause waste and litter. The same goes for drinks, so it is best to avoid leaving them at a gravesite.
Will we recognize each other in heaven? ›
In fact, the Bible indicates we will know each other more fully than we do now. The Apostle Paul declared, "Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known" (1 Corinthians 13:12). It's true that our appearance will change, because God will give us new bodies, similar to Jesus' resurrection body.
Will a husband and wife be together in heaven? ›
The reunion will take place, but not as husband and wife. We learn this in Jesus' explanation to the Sadducees: “When people rise from death, there will be no marriage. People will not be married to each other. They will be like the angels in heaven” (Matthew 22:30).
Will there be family relationships in heaven? ›
God will give everyone relationships that will meet those heart-felt needs completely. If you never had a parent you could trust, you'll find trustworthy parents everywhere in heaven. If you never had a child, those longings too will be fulfilled. If you never had a spouse, likewise.
Where does the soul go after it leaves the body in the Bible? ›
Ecclesiastes 12:7 says tells us what happens when a person dies. It says, “Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was; and the spirit shall return to God who gave it.” In other words, when a person dies, his or her spirit goes back to God, the body returns to dust and the soul of that person no longer exist.
What God says about losing a spouse? ›
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. “Do not let your hearts be troubled.
How long is the mourning period in Christianity? ›
For Christians, it traditionally takes between one week and 40 days after the date of death to fully mourn the deceased. However, note that the mourning period can vary greatly in length, depending on the denomination.
Why shouldn't you touch a body in a casket? ›
In these cases, touching the corpse in the casket might disturb its presentation, so some types of caskets may have a protective glass pane may installed to prevent this. Another exception will be if the deceased's family has asked you not to.
Is it okay to touch a dead body at a funeral? ›
If you have an adult with you at the funeral home, it is ok to touch a dead body, and you will not get in trouble. You are naturally curious, and sometimes when you see and touch a dead body it helps you answer your questions. Remember to be gentle and have an adult help you.
Does the Bible say you are supposed to be buried? ›
While the Bible does not explicitly contain any directions on burials, some passages may help you decide what is best for you and your family while still honoring your religion.
Christians have been charged to serve God while on earth as there is no forgiveness in the grave.
What do cemeteries do after they are full? ›
Today, some cemeteries rent out plots, which allows people to lease a space for up to 100 years before the grave is allowed to be recycled and reused. Many countries around the world have resorted to this process as their available land begins to fill.
Is a cemetery considered holy ground? ›
There are basically only two places that the Catholic Church consecrates as Holy Ground and those are a church and a cemetery. The consecration of a cemetery is an extremely ancient custom of the Church. It can be traced back as far as Saint Gregory of Tours (d 593 AD).
What is the importance of visiting cemetery? ›
Why Do People Visit Their Deceased Loved Ones' Graves? For many people, visiting the graves of deceased loved ones is an important part of the grieving process. It can be a way to feel close to the person who has died and to honor their memory. For others, it may be a way to seek closure or peace of mind.
What is it called when you love cemeteries? ›
Tombstone tourist (otherwise known as a "cemetery enthusiast", "cemetery tourist", "grave hunter", "graver", or "taphophile") describes an individual who has a passion for and enjoyment of cemeteries, epitaphs, gravestone rubbing, photography, art, and history of (famous) deaths.
Why do people visit their loved ones at the cemetery? ›
To share memories. Reflect on the past and share the memories of our loved ones. The cemetery is a great place to go and reminisce with family to keep your loved one's memory alive. Some people find it difficult to resurrect memories of lost loved ones even if the memories are joyful or positive.
Why do they cover the legs in a casket? ›
It is a common practice to cover the legs as there is swelling in the feet and shoes don't fit. As part of funeral care, the body is dressed and preserved, with the prime focus on the face. Post embalming, bodies are often placed without shoes; hence covering the legs is the way to offer a dignified funeral.
What do funeral homes do with the blood from dead bodies? ›
What Do Funeral Homes Do with the Blood from the Dead Body? The funeral home drains off the blood via the veins. They then send the blood and other fluids such as lymph into the municipal sewage system. In turn, the waste disposal officers treat these fluids before entering the town's wastewater system.
What does God say about keeping ashes? ›
In the Bible, there are no passages that prohibit or encourage cremation and scattering of ashes. However, many Christian sects believe a burial funeral aligns with best end-of-life practices. As a result, some Christian clerics may discourage cremation or prohibit it entirely.
Why do Christians bury and not cremate? ›
In Christian countries, cremation fell out of favor due to the Christian belief in the physical resurrection of the body. Christians also used burial as a mark of difference from the Iron Age European pre-Christian Pagan religions, which usually cremated their dead.
Most Baptist churches within the Christian faith will accept cremation as a choice when discussing options after death, and this is also true for many within the Southern Baptist church.
Why shouldn't you go home after a funeral? ›
A Filipino superstition holds that you should not go straight home after a funeral. If you do, death may follow you. So stop off somewhere else first.
Should an ex girlfriend attend a funeral? ›
In general, if you're on good terms with your ex-spouse and ex-family, you should attend the funeral. You were a big part of your spouse's life at one time. Even if you've gone separate ways, those memories and feelings are still very real. If you were on good terms, you'll likely be welcome to any funeral events.
What is considered a grave sin? ›
Finally, the capital sins are also considered grave matter. These sins are vices and are defined as contrary to the Christian virtues of holiness. They are pride, avarice, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony, and sloth (acedia).
What Christians don't believe in cremation? ›
Eastern Orthodox Catholicism (Greek and Russian)
Eastern Orthodox churches strongly oppose cremation. This is because these orthodox religions associate cremation with a deliberate desecration of the body. These churches prefer the natural decomposition of a traditional burial.
What religion says cremation is a sin? ›
Of all world religions, Islam is probably the most strongly opposed to cremation. Unlike Judaism and Christianity, there is little diversity of opinion about it. Cremation is considered by Islam to be an unclean practice.
What is it called when you visit a grave? ›
Grave visiting or visiting of graves may mean:- Pilgrimage – in religious contexts. Tombstone tourist – usually a secular activity. Tomb sweeping or grave tending in various cultures.
When should you visit someone's grave? ›
Wedding anniversary, birthday, or Valentine's Day: These are all logical and fitting times to visit your loved one's grave and headstone. A visit on one of these days will surely be a constructive way to reconnect with your loved one.
What are the benefits of going to cemetery? ›
Reminiscence and Reflection
This helps aid in the grieving process, allowing many to overcome quite distressing obstacles, and also allows us to pay our respects, keeping our loved ones close by to visit. These visitations can be to ask for advice or work through any current issues in a safe space.
Why do people like to visit cemetery? ›
Today, people visit cemeteries to pay their respects to celebrities or other famous figures; honor those who have served in the military; find past relatives to fill in their genealogical background or simply enjoy the surroundings, architecture and peaceful paths many cemeteries around the world offer their visitors.
Cenotaph - a grave where the body is not present; a memorial erected as over a grave, but at a place where the body has not been interred. A cenotaph may look exactly like any other grave in terms of marker and inscription.
Does talking to a grave help? ›
If you've ever wondered whether this is an unhealthy coping mechanism, experts argue it is a completely valid and healthy way to cope with loss. “Speaking out loud to a loved one who has passed — whether at a grave site or out loud at home — is helpful for many people processing grief,” Dr.
What does it mean when you visit a grave and it rains? ›
In this case, it is believed that if the rain falls into an open grave, someone in the family will die within one year. However, in other cultures it is believed that rain after a funeral is a good sign; that it is washing away any pain and sorrow.
Is it okay to sit next to a grave? ›
Visitors to the grave may recite supplications and recitations recommended by scholars. Visitors are strongly advised not to step on or over a grave or sit on a grave.
Is it OK to take a picture of a grave? ›
Get permission and follow any rules laid down by the property owners. Cemeteries, temples, ruins, etc., are most likely owned and managed by some entity, whether it is a church, local government, historical society, etc. Be sure they are okay with you visiting and doing photography there. Get a permit if required.
Is it bad to take a picture of someone in a casket? ›
You definitely do not want to take a picture of the casket, because that can be highly disrespectful, as well. If you want to take a picture of anything specific, like a decoration or the memorial display, you will need to ask the family for permission. If they do not agree, respect their wishes and do not insist.
Is it bad to take a picture of someone's grave? ›
Just like the belief that taking photos of deities in temples take away a portion of their power or energy, it is believed that taking photos of graves passes on negative energy to the living.
What happens once a cemetery is full? ›
In most cemeteries that are still in use, when they are 'full' they will simply be closed to new burials, maintained, and a new cemetery will be opened (usually outside of town/city limits due to space constraints as a result of development).
